Greatest (S)hits

Following the sad and untimely death of child-actor (he was in Coronation St you know) and Monkee, Davy Jones, we thought we would offer up as a tribute, our definitive list of actors who became singers and who provided us with what we can only regard to be the offal in the history of pop music.

1. 

     Smug c*^t!

2.   

     Who loves ya baby! Everyone's favourite lollipop sucking detective actually had a number one in the UK in 1975. 

3.   

     The album features covers of Elvis' Wooden Heart, The Beatles' Norweigan Wood and the Woody Wood Pecker theme tune. Oh, if you hadn't guessed by the wood references, Dogstar is Keanu Reeves' band . The woody fucker. 

4. 

The poor man's Peter Cushing getting all regal on our asses.

5.

He was in the O.C. He has eyes like piss-holes in the snow. He is not related to Noel, Liam, Paul or Rory. This is all you need to know.

6. 

Soon to receive a career re-boot having been cast in Tarantino's spaghetti western Django Unchained. Does not excuse him for his turgid singing career. The closest he ever came to being a pop star, was the fact that his pet alligator in Miami Vice was called Elvis.

7. 

Seriously, you have to hear his version of Pulp's Common People. It is eye-wateringly good.

8. 

Hey, if we have Crockett, then surely we need to have Tubbs. Right?

9. 

Look at Burt's jauntily positioned hat. And those eyes. He wants us to make him squeal like a pig. Dirty boy.

10. 

Oh... FUCK OFF!!!!

 

Music Television

This week's popular music offerings:

I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here (ITV1, 9pm Sunday) -Not one I would usually tune into, but with Shaun Ryder dropping into the jungle, I can't help but feel strangely drawn to it. 

Later - with Jools Holland (BBC2, 10pm Tuesday) - Following the appearance from Jools Holland's Boogie Woogie Players (or whatever he calls his band of merrymakers), Later's series finale returns to the good stuff this week, with sets from Robert Plant, Arcade Fire and Mavis Staples, whose new album was co-written by Wilco's Jeff Tweedy. 

Bird on a Wire (BBC4, 9pm Friday) -  Premiered at this year's Green Man Festival, this documentary documents Leonard Cohen on his 1972 European tour. 

Madchester.....so much to answer for.

It's official. Madchester is finally over.  Put away your flared jeans and your Joe Bloggs sweatshirts. Relegate your long sleeved 'Cool as F*%K' t-shirt to nightwear and throw your Kickers into the charity shop bin bag. That Reni hat you've been sporting all su.........what? What are you talking about?  Twenty years ago?  Are you sure?  But it seems like only yesterday when I was down at the GMEX, shaking my invisible maraca to 'WFL' and 'Mad Cyril'. Oh my God! Where has the time gone?

If you're looking for a reminder of the cruel and unforgiving of the swiftness of the passage of time, then look no further than the line-up for the new series of 'I'm a Celebrity....'  There amongst the soapstars, reality TV show goons and glamour models, is one Shaun Ryder. Staring down at his haunted face in the pages of this morning's Metro, I was struck by how quickly the years had flown by, and how it had felt like only five minutes ago when I was getting down with all the other freaky dancers to the iconic sounds of the Mondays, Roses et al.

With Tony Wilson dead, Bez on the lam, John Squire using his hands to paint rather than play guitar, Clint Boon writing theme tunes for children's TV and Shaun William Ryder now lost to the jungle, I think it is fair to say, that this particular chapter is now well and truly shut.

For anyone still yearning the glory days of baggy - Happy Mondays - 'Performance'

Music Television

Music highlights from this week's TV.

Later Live - With Jools Holland (BBC2, 10pm Tuesday) - The wheat amongst this week's chaff include Midlake and Bryan Ferry performing tracks from his surprisingly good album, Olyimpia.

Roll Over Beethoven: The Chess Records Saga (BBC4, 9pm Friday) - Documentary charting the history of Chess Records, the label that boasted John Lee Hooker, Etta James and Fontella Bass on its roster.

Later With Jools Holland

Throughout its 18 year history, Later with Jools Holland has given me as much pain as it has pleasure; and this week's instalment was no exception. Appearing for the pleasure principle this week, we had the bastard sons of Bruce Springsteen and Jesse Malin, The Gaslight Anthem, ripping through a couple of songs from their raucous second album - American Slang. Alongside them, there was Marques Toliver, who for the first time since the spending review announcement, made me stop thinking about the odious sight of the Coalition government laughing and cheering as The Gidiot (thanks to The Guardian's Lucy Mangan for coming up with such a wonderful nickname) announced his malicious plan to wipeout the poor and the vulnerable. Toliver, could well be the most enchanting thing I have heard all year, and is another great example of Later's ability to unearth hidden gems (see also Bon Iver's 2008 appearance). A link to Marques Toliver's blog, which features his appearance on Later, can be found in my blog list.

The pain this week, surprisingly, wasn't actually inflicted by Welsh warbler, Duffy, who with a new album to promote, performed three songs and had a cosy chat with Later's portly presenter. I often wish that the producers of Later would drop the excruciating 'interview' section of the show, as it would allow more time for live music, and the viewers and studio audience wouldn't have to listen to Holland bumble his way through a series of terrible questions that have been designed as a link to a piece of archive footage of the interviewee performing on Top of the Pops or The Old Grey Whistle Test.

The pain (and remember we're all in this together) came from the abominable Crystal Fighters, who brought an uncontrollable urge in me to kick through my television set and go out and do something less boring instead. A crustie/rave hybrid, taking the worst bits (which doesn't leave much else) from The Levellers, Jesus Jones, The Klaxons and the cast of Tomorrow's People; Crystal Fighters are a band straight from the imagination of Ben Elton should he decide to write a musical interpretation of the Battle of Beanfield.
The music itself was bad enough, but what really tipped my scales of vexation, was the 'bandmember' slumped up against a monitor, whose only contribution to the performance, was to stare out across the Later studio, looking as if she had just necked her mother's secret stash of temazepam. Now I appreciate she isn't the first member of a group to stand on stage and appear not to be contributing to the sound emanating from the speakers , but at least some of them had the temerity to shake a fucking maraca!

In a week of pain, Crystal Fighters were the painful cherry on top of my pain filled gateaux.

Pass the morphine!