Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Spoilt Bastard Christmas Wishlist

With everything Facebook has got on me I'm always surprised that their 'pages you might like' researchers (in the right hand side column) don't delve a little deeper into the mind of my click finger than pushing adverts for Airwaves chuddy and Italian Weddings. They must know I ain't clicking. But this week they caught my eye with this monstrosity. Yes, it is that flower. Good, God no. What am I doing that makes Zucherberg and co think I would like to buy the 'James ultimate boxset'?

Look at the size of it! Mind you its not as big as some of the 'bundles' I've just spent the past hour Googling.  Whatever happened to asking for ONE CD for Christmas? So in the spirit of everyones favourite Viz character- Spoilt Bastard- I shall give you the run down of what's (not) on my list to Santa.

"Would you like your Gran to get you a CD from that Andy's Records son?"
"Oh ay' Mother. Can you tell her to get me the 'Blur 21: The Box + Parklive: Deluxe 5 Disc Set + T-Shirt + Mug + Tote Bag Bundle'?"
"Fair enough son. how much is it going to cost her?"
"£205. And tell the greedy fuck I want a Mars selection box too..."

Quite frankly if you still haven't got round to picking up a copy of Parklife I wouldn't bother. It was good, but unfortunately you've missed the boat. And if there is a disc somewhere in there amongst all the that tat called 'LIVE AT THE BRIT AWARDS 2012' you're probably better off with the James collection above.

Blur: Blur 21: The Box + Parklive: Deluxe 5 Disc Set + T-Shirt + Mug + Tote Bag Bundle
And what the frig is a tote bag anyway? Pretty sure from my school days they were the PE kit bag of shame. Speaking of shame, I bet when the Manic Street Preachers promised to make one album and then clear off in a blazing ball of rock'n'roll credibility, they never imagined it being re-branded like this? 

Generation Terrorists 'what's in the box'

"But why don't you like your Xmas present son? You said that all you ever wanted for Christmas was a 'Generation Terrorists' dog tag?"
"No you cretin. I wanted a 'Holy Bible bracelet' to wear with my 'Gold Against the Soul nose ring'. GET IT RIGHT MOTHER!"

"OK. Pass that big red tin of Fox's Chocolate biscuits over son. I'm parched for one of those gold foil-wrapped ones." 
"Gettaway Mutha! It's the 'Screamadelica 20th Anniversary Limited Collector's Edition' you daft twat!"
"Oh sorry son! I am a dick."
Screamadelica - 20th Anniversary Limited Collector's Edition
Is there anything more soul destroying than a 'making of' DVD even if it is for an album as great as Screamadelica? Thanks all the same but I don't really want the extra tracks that weren't good enough for the original. 
The T.Rex album The Slider was one of the first records I ever heard (cheers Dad) and it is indeed a fantastic LP. 'A' being the important word. THIRTEEN top tunes on ONE album. Not all this toss.
Aside from a million versions of the album it comes with essays, sheet music, Bolan fan club letters, membership cards, rosettes, concert stubs, posters, stickers, patches, bags, locks of Bolans pubic hair (probably) and its own video trailer, but, "I STILL WANT MORE!"

Hold on Josh. I thought you were a DJ not a hitman dentist, because this is just plain creepy. What is that? Every single tune, mix, scratch and fart from the once great Mr Shadow himself. Complete with essence of DJ Shadows actual shadow reformed into an acrylic kryptonite slipcase.
And finally the 'flogging a dead record' award goes to... as always... THE STONE ROSES! Listening to music used to require an amp and a turntable but you need planing permission to own this beast. IT ONLY HAS ELEVEN TRACKS! (Which are all pretty good I might add) although this no doubt has fifty times that. But you get a bunch of really cool artwork postcards and a presentation box. Great.

So there you have it. Even in the Boxing Day sales your £15 HMV voucher isn't going to go very far. So tell your Gran to stick her vouchers, get out the plastic and order one of these many Pink Floyd box sets.

More of this type of cynical nonsense can be read HERE. Merry Christmas.

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