Friday, 2 March 2012

Greatest (S)hits

Following the sad and untimely death of child-actor (he was in Coronation St you know) and Monkee, Davy Jones, we thought we would offer up as a tribute, our definitive list of actors who became singers and who provided us with what we can only regard to be the offal in the history of pop music.

1. Bruce Willis - Die Hard

     Smug c*^t!

2.  Telly Savalas - Kojak 

     Who loves ya baby! Everyone's favourite lollipop sucking detective actually had a number one in the UK in 1975. 

3.  Keanu Reeves - The Matrix 

     The album features covers of Elvis' Wooden Heart, The Beatles' Norweigan Wood and the Woody Wood Pecker theme tune. Oh, if you hadn't guessed by the wood references, Dogstar is Keanu Reeves' band . The woody fucker. 

4.  Christopher Lee - Lord Of The Rings

The poor man's Peter Cushing getting all regal on our asses.

5.Peter Gallagher - The O.C.

He was in the O.C. He has eyes like piss-holes in the snow. He is not related to Noel, Liam, Paul or Rory. This is all you need to know.

6. Don Johnson - Miami Vice

Soon to receive a career re-boot having been cast in Tarantino's spaghetti western Django Unchained. Does not excuse him for his turgid singing career. The closest he ever came to being a pop star, was the fact that his pet alligator in Miami Vice was called Elvis.

7. William Shatner - Star Trek

Seriously, you have to hear his version of Pulp's Common People. It is eye-wateringly good.

8. Philip Michael Thomas - Miami Vice

Hey, if we have Crockett, then surely we need to have Tubbs. Right?

9. Burt Reynolds - Stroker Ace

Look at Burt's jauntily positioned hat. And those eyes. He wants us to make him squeal like a pig. Dirty boy.

10. Minnie Driver - Good Will hunting

Oh... FUCK OFF!!!!


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